B3NJ2H0TR10T91RL's Xanga

Apparently, I have actually used the following tags before:

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 03:28:33 GMT

How odd. Anyway, she died of brain cancer on Thursday, so I figured I'd re-post the Alkaline Trio song about her just for shits and giggles.

you're on your own, my little nightmare.
you cannot stay here: it's far too bright for you.
if they attack you, just lay there; play dead dear,
it's your only hope of pulling through.
and seconds, they seem like a lifetime, a dream;
recurring, a dream that can't come true.
and they'll pin it all on you, after all you've been put through.
"Sadie G. - she's crazy, see?"
that's what the white coats say.
and now, Ms. Susan A.,
you're losing every opportunity,
to put us all away.
now, run along, my little nightmare.
your job is done here. you've scared them all to death.
if they revive them, just sit there.
just smile, dear. make them thankful for every breath.
this sentence may seem like a lifetime of screams,
that's curdling the blood they found on you,
and your knives and clothing, too, Charlie's broken .22.
"Sadie G. - she's crazy, see?"
that's what the white coats say.
and now, Ms. Susan A.,
you're losing every opportunity.
well, they've found you, and they shipped you,
up the river the same way that you bound, and gagged,
you shot, then stabbed. you tried to set them free,
but they've thrown away the keys.

" HOW COULD IT NOT BE RIGHT IF IT IS DONE WITH LOVE?
I HAVE NO REMORSE FOR DOING WHAT WAS RIGHT FOR ME. "

I suppose I should link to my other "blog."

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 06:57:00 GMT

Tumblog, actually. Yes, I update it more than Xanga. HOWEVER, this is not a replacement for my beautiful, amazing Xanga weblog. See, I only started it for... fuck, I don't even remember why I started it. Oh, that's right! I started it during the elections because there was this Obama election account or something that I wanted to follow but could only do so if I had a Tumblr account. I reblogged pictures and Obama-related things, mostly, then stopped using it. Then I went back to using it, and now I follow a total of 68 accounts, which is like absolute death to my Dashboard, and I reblog like a bitch - mostly photos and semi-hilarious things. Also, mostly Billie Joe Armstrong and/or Green Day related things, Kathleen Hanna / Le Tigre / Bikini Kill / riot grrrl movement / feminist things, cupcakes and other foods (such as those on This Is Why You're Fat), a bunch of quotes, etc. Occasionally, yes, I make a post that makes it seem like I am using it as a real blog. Until you read said posts and realise that there are very, very few of them, and that they are very short in nature and completely irrelevant and not really a recap of my day at all. Initially meant to not have my name, photos, or any information about me, making me a complete stranger to Tumblrites and any people that may be following me, and initially meant for nobody to know that I even had the account in the first place - friends, family, boyfriend, whatever - I seem to have broken all of those rules, so fuck it.

Linkage: http://transparent-eyes.tumblr.com

Again, this is not meant to replace my Xanga in any way, shape, or form.

In addition, I have also created http://babybellatrix.tumblr.com for the gorgeous kitten (what was/is meant to be daily photographs of her and her "blog"), and run *slash* own http://fuckyeahkathleenhanna.tumblr.com .

:3

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 04:04:02 GMT

"I have a question. Now, you're a very pretty girl."

"How have you never had a boyfriend before?" or "How has no guy been interested in you?" or some form of question pertaining to how I've never had a relationship and how I've never gotten "the look", etc. Mostly related to high school I believe.

All of this gets lost in translation when it's been several hours and I have the memory of a goldfish and the attention span of a toddler, but you get the point. I was complimented to a high degree.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 23:13:00 GMT

Apathy.

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 20:14:14 GMT

Apathy (also called impassivity or perfunctoriness) is a state of indifference, of the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation, and passion. An apathetic individual has an absence of interest or concern to emotional, social, or physical life. They may also exhibit an insensibility or sluggishness.

- Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I don't know why, but I've been so goddamned apathetic in the past few years. When Chuck died, it never really hit me. I know he was only "family" for a month or so, but it didn't really hit me. I could never/can never call him my uncle; I always refer to him as "my aunt's husband," but regardless, it still should have had some type of effect on me, and it didn't. When I graduated high school, I also had no reaction. It still hasn't hit me that my high school days are completely over and I'm now theoretically in the real world. I came to college. Hours away from home, living "on my own" and taking care of myself, and that never hit me. I didn't get homesick in even the slightest way, I felt no need to call home, it didn't bother me, and I didn't even see a change in my life. Aunt Linda passed away a few months ago; it also didn't hit me. The fact that death doesn't appear to affect me is the biggest problem out of all of my apathetic reactions, I think. (Another thing I am currently apathetic to.) I feel like I should be having some miniscule feeling(s) towards these things, but I'm not. I'm completely emotionless to it all. And that makes me continuously question what could possibly be wrong with me.

Not sure if I ever posted this.

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 04:25:38 GMT

The conversation that occurred when Paul asked me out.
It's a little fucked up because I have terrible memory, even though I wrote it the same day.

Paul: I have a question for you.
me: Okay.
Paul: I know we only met each other a few days ago...
Paul: But I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.
Paul: So, would you be my girlfriend?
me: 'Kay.

(time lapse)

me: You had to ask?
Paul: Yeah. I'm old-fashioned.

Cute things.

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 01:54:37 GMT

I was in Connecticut this weekend visiting the boyfriend. At one point, he asked me when I first liked him / for how long; whether it was right away or not. I told him all about that, and he told me that he liked me since first semester, when he saw me in the hallway, and that he always wanted to talk to me and whatnot but I never made eye contact. So last night, I texted him and was like, "I know we discussed when you first liked me, but I never asked; when did you first realize you loved me? Also, when you realized you wanted me forever." His response a few minutes ago? "It was definitely love at first sight, but I didn't want to freak you out, so I waited a while before I told you." Another question from me; "first time you saw me in the hall or the first time I actually spoke to you?" And another two texts; "in the hall. And I realized I wanted you forever about during/after the incident." I love this boy. So much.

I hate my life.

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 01:02:36 GMT

I really, passionately, hate my life. Why can't I have just one good thing? Why.

Dreams.

Thu, 28 May 2009 17:39:18 GMT

I lost this post after I finished writing it, and now I'm pissed off. Xanga clearly needs autosave because this happens all the fucking time if I "undo" or "redo" something - two COMMON FUNCTIONS when writing a journal entry, so they can smd.

Summary version:
Normally I can barely even remember if I had a dream or not. Yet all week, I've been having dreams, and they're usually about Paul, regardless of whether I've gone to sleep, gone back to sleep, or taken a nap. There are 2-3 other dreams I've had that don't involve him, however. One was this morning when I fell back asleep, and had A Change of Pace plus David Marsh, and myself, in a mall. I'm too lazy to detail it for a second time. Sorry.

Why he's perfect.

Thu, 28 May 2009 01:25:15 GMT

There are quite a number of reasons why and how I know that Paul is "the one." Here goes:

Apparently, he sunburns easily.
Despite it being inconvenient, he visited at random for the weekend.

Only telling me he was coming when he left his house.

He can't swallow pills.
He cuts his corn off the cob before eating it.
He doesn't drink or do drugs.

Except for when he drinks Twisted Tea.

He has a big mouth and complains a lot.

To my family. Even after just meeting my aunt.

He also complains when I'm helping him, but then complains if I don't.

Who does that remind you of?

He hates children, but said he won't hate his own.

He wants two of them.

He hates the beach (because he doesn't like the sand).
He loves me. 'Nuff said.
He's a computer geek.
He wants two cats and a dog.

A German shepherd, to be specific.

His middle name is Peter, and his family calls him PJ.

Peter James Cathcart, did you do this?!

"Love doesn't just go away." We've both said it.
WHITBSITB.

There are also a number of things that concern me.

He refuses to watch Jon & Kate Plus 8.
He's a workaholic.
He's so much of a computer geek, I feel dumb sometimes.
He will willingly turn to WE (Women's Entertainment).

And start watching The Golden Girls.

That's really actually it.

I can't remember anything else, but I'll definitely add anything I think of.